22 March 2004
by Jasmine Park
A lot of people working in movies today are either hacks or make some very poor career choices. Here are a few examples:
How many times can she play an unhappy housewife? And why is she always so freaking boring when she does? Isn't she getting a little sick of it? She even played two in 2002! She's a pretty big name now - does she still need to be typecast to get a part?
The Hours (2002), Far From Heaven (2002), Magnolia (1999), The End of the Affair (1999), Safe (1995)
How many times does he need to play a poor schmuck who gets dicked over by fate? Could any other actor look more desperate to appear on Inside the Actor's Studio? Does anyone else struggle so hard to be a "credible" character actor, or scream "Love me, Sundance!" louder? How much would he give to be Billy Bob Thornton?
The Cooler (2003), Focus (2001), Magnolia (1999), Pleasantville (1998), Boogie Nights (1997), Fargo (1996)
Why does she always play a nasty bitch? Is she such a bad actress that she can't even play a nice person? Is she this nasty a bitch in real life?
Full Frontal (2002), Death to Smoochy (2002), Lovely and Amazing (2001), Being John Malkovich (1999), Your Friends and Neighbors (1998)
Why do all his recent movies suck? Has he finally found happiness late in life, or did he just get boring? Why does he go on making a movie every year if he knows they're just going to be shit? How could the same man who made Crimes and Misdemeanors have also made Hollywood Ending?
Anything Else (2003), Hollywood Ending (2002), The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001), Small Town Crooks (2000)
Why would he insist on using an actor as burnt-out and untalented as Leonardo DiCaprio in, not one, but two movies? Doesn't he know Johnny Depp's number, or Edward Norton's? Couldn't he get any actor in Hollywood to be in his movies? How could he possibly cast Leo opposite Daniel Day-Lewis?
The Aviator (2004), Gangs of New York (2002)
"Honey, Mommy's going to shoot herself today."
"If I act like I have talent, maybe
no one will notice I don't."
"I will shove this ball down your
throat for no reason except that
I'm a nasty bitch."
"Isn't this the 'American Pie' kid?
Was I on crack when I cast him?"
"Yeah, at the end of that road is a pier.
Please walk off it."
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